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Another rambling thought.

I've been in more pain lately. I know my endometriosis is getting worse. It scares me because that means if I don't fall in love soon I might never have a chance for a child. Not my own anyway. No I'm not going to rush into a relationship just so I can have a child, but I wish I could fall in love. Eh.

Some thoughts

So lately I've tried to become more observant. I noticed something. Even though I am a plus sized woman, curvey, overweight, what ever you want to call it I turn heads. Me who has always thought that women who are over weight don't ever get noticed. But I've noticed I do turn heads. I do have random guys smile at me. But I also noticed something else. I'm 21 years old and have never had a man come up to me and just say hello.

I wish I could be bolder. There was this super hot waiter at the restruant I was at tonight. He smiled at me everytime he came near the table. Same with the night of my birthday dinner, but I can't bring myself to say hi. I can barely make eye contact.

I think I know why I have trouble with eye contact. Wait maybe I don't. But still I wish I could just be brave and say hi. Start a conversation.

I think I'll always be single until I can learn to be brave and approach someone.

Hm. Ok sorry for rambling.


I'm so confused. I don't know whats going on. I'm so angry lately. And when I'm not angry I'm crying or sad. I'm frustrated and I feel like I'm going crazy inside. I hate this feeling. Everyone in my house is angry and its affecting me.

I can't take anymore fighting. I can't take anymore disappointment with school. I work my ass off only for them to knock me down over and over again.

I don't know what to do anymore. I wish there was a happy fix. I wish I could get this pain off my chest. I wish I could breath.


So I havnt wrote in weeks. But it's not like I've chosen not to, I've just been horribly busy with finals.

Heres the thing. Finals are over and I have two weeks off. Not a good thing! All I ever do when I have nothing to do is think. I can't stop thinking about everything.

I hate the road I'm going down. I'm close to my heaviest weight again. I can't seem to stick with anything. I keep thinking if I just get off the couch and go do something maybe I'll lose weight. But then it rains and well down here its rained for days. Today was the first sunshine day in at least a week or two. But I couldn't do anything because I've been so angry. My mom just AH she gets to me. And when she gets to me I can't think.

So here I am moping because I'm fat and yet I can't ever stick with doing anything about it. I just wish I had someone here supporting me saying hey I'll do this with you. We can do this.

I don't know. Maybe one day.


So I disappointed myself today. What else is new. I failed my check off. And it freaking pisses me off because I knew what I was doing, but I went blank. I walked in the door and went uhhhhhhhhhhh! I have aced the math since I started nursing school until today when I really needed it. I should have looked at the bag. I was such an idiot.

So now I have to do remediation. On top of the other crap load of work they have us doing. It's like lets wait and shove all this crap down their throat at the last minute and see who is first to have a nervous break down.

Well you know what? That is about to be ME. I can't take anymore stress or bad news. I swear I want to go in my own little world for a while and just forget life.

Ok so I'm beginning to think I sound like such a cry baby in all my journals, but damnit all I want is a little happiness right about now. Why does everyone else get to be happy but me? GGGGGGGGGGGRRR.


Today I heard our song on the radio. God did all those feelings I've been supressing come rushing back. In a way I hate you for throwing away what we had. And in a way I still love you like I've never loved anyone. Some days I sit and wonder what really did go wrong. I don't get it. It was true love or so I thought at least. You had me so blinded that even now almost a year later I still can't see anyone, but you. I hate that. And in return it makes me hate you for it. You've moved on and your in love with someone else, yet here I am struggling to get over you. It's not fair. God that chemistry we had. We had a passion that would have set the world on fire had you let it. I hate that I still love you.

This touched me too.

Fireproof was one amazing movie. I think before any couple gets married they need to watch it.


This touched my heart

Love is not a fight
Warren Barfield

Love is not a place
to come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
Work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter
in a raging storm
Love is peace
in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave;
May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight
but its something worth fighting for

To some love is a word
that they can fall into.
But when they're falling out
keeping that word is hard to do

Love is a shelter
in a raging storm
Love is peace
in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave;
May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight
but its something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
but demand we give our all

Love is a shelter
in a raging storm
Love is peace
in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave;
May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight
but its something worth fighting for.

Cause I Will Fight For You
Would You Fight For Me
It's Worth Fighting For.

Random Quote 2

Friendship is like a prism through which the many variations of beauty are revealed in our lives.

I'm feeling the need to procrastinate.

When one of your dreams come true, you begin to look at the others more carefully."